When I started re-blogging, I still had the mindset of my earlier days…those days when I blogged, but it was not called blogging…….just writing! It was around 20 years ago…….I was a young mother with young children, and had decided that I was going to educate the world about how difficult and life changing having a baby was. I was going to burst every misinformed bubble that the media and other parents had blown. I, single handily, was going to bring down the cases of post natal depression……..aka ”I am a bad mother whose child hates me, and who doesn’t know what I am doing like all those other mothers loving life and navigating motherhood so seamlessly”!!
So, perhaps if I had realised, on starting to write again, that 20 years had passed, I might have gone more with the theme of getting older and telling the world honestly about how bloody awful THAT is!!
Reading that back it seems there is a common thread running through my writings……it’s awful….whatever it is. Oh how fortunate are all those souls who have had me touch their lives…….
Aaaaaaanyway, now, 20 years later, my version of being a mother to young children in this day and age is pretty much obsolete!! I mean, yes……it is surely still an unpleasant experience, this new, first time mother thing is, but there is so much more honesty out there. You are no longer regarded as a repulsive and shameful human being by society, if you are not loving every minute of motherhood! Young mothers are more prepared for the fact that it is not going to be only rainbows and unicorns when they become mothers! They hear of other mothers going through struggles, and pooping and farting (the mothers, not the babies) about their lives. This is good!! This is honest!!
To be honest, if I was to be blogging about the truth of raising children in this era, what with all the social media demons and technological advances, I would surely be sent directly to Blog Prison!! Eeeeek…..I shudder to think!! Tis true, there would be an endless stream of content for blogging…but nope…not worth it!!
So although I have raised children, who are now adults….kinda, sorta….okay, jury still deliberating….. I am not qualified to give any opinions or suggestions on how to bring up children in this day and age. Sisters….you are on your own. Go forth and conquer, and may the force be with you!!
So back to the actual topic at hand…..big digresser I am….
There I was this morning, applying my make-up (a new project of mine)….. in order to make myself look 20 years (or even 5 would be good) younger, and I suddenly realised my blogs really should not be about bringing up children anymore, as my children have been brought up…kinda, sorta….and whatever the end result is, is what it is…period!! I should rather be making myself useful, and be preparing people for their ”mature years”!!
So, back to makeup (for the mature woman). When I was younger, I was never one for makeup…..some eyeliner at the most. You know, when you are all young and fresh faced, and you walk past a mirror and think, oh come on just be daring, and splash an eensy weensy something on your face for good measure? I was also never one of those girls who was looking for a wolf whistle or any attention when walking past a whole group of boys. In fact, if anything that would have had me crawling into the nearest hole. Although at my age, a wolf whistle here and there would not completely ruin my day……..oh how times have changed!!
Mind you, my generation of girls were not really make up mad. Unfortunately the young girls of today, for the most part, pack on that make up so thick, that they all land up looking like clones of one another….with different hair colours. Pretty much like the girls in their 30’s and 40’s, who Botox, lift, tuck and all look like they have been cast from the same mold……with different hair colour.
However, when you are but a teen, this is when you least need make up. You look so gorgeous fresh-faced and natural. But no matter whether you are pro or anti excessive use of make up, one thing is for sure….. when that makeup GLIDES on youthful skin, oh my goodness it is smooth like butter!!
Now, applying make up after 50, having had no botox or nips and tucks, is a whole other scenario. Firstly, one has to apply it as if one was applying paint to a roughly plastered wall…..you know, second coat required, to get into the crevices and craters. Secondly, all those POTHOLES that you are attempting to cover up, are then HIGHLIGHTED by the makeup that you have applied. So, essentially, you look like……..….well…………a fifty something year old, who is trying to look younger, but actually looks like an old haggard and washed up she-pirate!!
Then we have the ”wings” technique with eye makeup. This is to create the illusion of bigger eyes…you know, something NO youthful eyes actually need, but ALL old and haggardy eyes do!! So, again, another cruel joke, this technique is so simple to apply on youthful eyes..…..glides I tell you….like butter!! It is applied, and there it shall remain….intact….until removed by the wearer. But over 50….ha….ha ha….cruel, cruel joke!! What essentially takes place with the ”more mature” (old haggard she-pirate), is a series of steps which have to be undertaken.
STEP 1
Due to the fact that her eyesight is declining, if she is a contact lens user, she cannot have them inserted. If she does, she then needs reading spectacles IN ADDITION TO the contact lenses, to see something that is a nose length away from her old haggard face. Obviously, she cannot be wearing the spectacles while applying make up to her eyes!! If she is not a prescription lens or spectacle user, she would definitely need the assistance of reading specs to see anything too close. Again, at this point, she cannot wear spectacles while applying make up to her eyes….again….obviously!!
So, the first step involves holding a hand mirror in the one hand, slowly drawing it into her face, and once the mirror lightly touches the nose, she will know the distance is correct. Thereafter, she has to use her ONE remaining hand to reach for whatever object she is using to apply the wings, generally liquid liner, sometimes an eyeliner pencil. Liquid liner is preferable, but as you can imagine, creates a whole new set of problems, what with having to remove the liner brush from the bottle ALL WITH ONE HAND!!
STEP 2
Once the remaining hand is holding the object required, she has to then use a finger from……well..…one of her both occupied hands..…to gently lift the drooping skin around the ageing eyes, in order to begin applying the wing where it should ordinarily be applied on droop free youthful eyes. This step is the final step where, believe it or not, a brief glance in the mirror actually produces fairly pleasing results. It is at this time, that the she-pirate thinks that there is indeed some fraction of hope that she can look young and gorgeous again.
STEP 3
During this step, the mirror needs to be placed down, freeing the one hand, so that there is an available hand to replace the lid or brush of the liner. It is at this time, that the remaining finger, which was so strategically placed to elongate the ageing eye, gets removed……and all hell breaks loose. The eye tumbles forth to its original position, and the wing then looks like a dotted line of zig zag horrors.
And don’t even get me started on 50-somethings and exercise………………
Grumpymummy 