Month: June 2021

If you are not interested in reading about my mundane daily life……catch you on my next blog. But if you are interested in the life and times of a fellow LIFELONG sleep deprived adult….to you I say…..WELCOME my fellow deranged ones!!!

Now, it is important to begin by saying that I have always tried to maintain a fairly healthy lifestyle. I have tried to ensure I was as active as possible and have always been a strong believer that the food we put in our bodies contributes nine tenths to our medical and emotional wellbeing, particularly in this day and age.  I mean….what with our stress levels through the roof, unhealthy environment and manic lifestyles, it is only responsible to try and ensure that we remain healthy where we have the power and control to do so. Of course, even ‘’healthy’’ food is not so healthy any longer, and virtually everything we consume now has additives, pesticides and the like, but we can only do our best.

The fact that I existed on sugar and fat for a good few years is irrelevant. Well, okay, totally relevant, but I was not eating wheat and dairy so at least it kinda, sorta balanced out. Also irrelevant is the fact that I absolutely DO NOT smoke….why would you even think such a thing, who have you been talking to??? Okay, this too is relevant, but it is kinda, sorta my only guilty pleasure. I mean, I hate the fact that I smoke, am self conscious of going within a 50 yard radius of anything that breathes after having had a cigarette, and pretty much only do it in front of people that I am fairly comfortable with. All in all, I am an ardent anti-smoker, and totally disapprove of it…….but yet…..

As confused as you might be, it gets worse. I am very disciplined, have oodles of self control and you would virtually have to tie me down before I would agree to take any non herbal or homeopathic medication. I mean, you won’t find me putting POISON in MY temple……but yet…..

Just prior to our COVID lockdown, we had a days notice that the sale of cigarettes was going to be banned until further notice. While everyone else was screaming ‘’corrupt Government’’, ‘’makes no sense’’, and rushing out to buy gazillions of cartons of cigarettes to stock up for the apocalypse, (as opposed to those that rushed out to buy gazillions of rolls of toilet paper), I chose to reason that once my remaining box was finished, I would be forced to give up smoking. Yaaay, the liberating feeling of me soon becoming a non smoker….my last surviving crutch…..was AMAZEBALLS!!

So there I was, during lockdown, smoking two and a half cigarettes a day. I just do not have the energy or inclination to discuss the logic behind the ”half” cigarette, so I shall just move on. I took up my newfound healthy pastime of walking….…just to keep busy and my mind off smoking, and also to ensure that if I did contract COVID, I would be aware of it immediately. What with the minuscule amount of nicotine in my lungs, and my plan to have my machine well oiled, I was bound to pick up the fact that that dreaded plague had entered my body!! So, that was the plan…..

But back to my sleep deprivation! I have never slept well. As an infant…nope. My poor mother suffered endlessly with me, and apparently so did my oldest brother. I suspect, him being thirteen at the time, had the sense to know when my mother, the most patient and gentle natured human, had reached her limits. So, possibly he would take over for my own protection! As a child………forget about it, and as a teenager, when all other teenagers were ”growing” until 12 noon……..NOPE.

When I was about due with my first child, every person told me to enjoy my sleep….never had!! Of course, as I mentioned previously, it was then even harder for me to get some sleep, as then I had given birth to a shocking sleeper (yes, Karma), who dictated when I could actually sleep. So I was not sleeping as I never had, AND, when I would have ordinarily caught some sleep, Lord Fauntleroy was having none of it!!

So, according to Doctor Google, an ideal night’s sleep involves four to five 90-minute cycles of different phases of sleep as the night progresses. There is ”wake” (check), ”light sleep” (check), ”deep sleep” (not so much) and ”REM” (NEVER!!!!). The learned Doctor goes on to say that in the deep sleep phase (not so much), the body relaxes even further. Well there you bloody are!!! No wonder I NEVER relax. My body has never experienced this thing they call ‘’relax’’!! Then the REM phase (NEVER), is believed to benefit learning, memory, and mood , and a lack thereof may have adverse implications for physical and emotional health. Well knock me over with a feather!! Fifty five years of attempted self diagnosis and it is all starting to fall in place!! NOT ENOUGH SLEEP!!

The reasons have always been many. Sometimes it is stress, and my mind is racing. Sometimes I am tossing and turning for no reason at all. I have been known to have phases where I would be cooking, baking or making glycerin soaps to pass the sleepless nights away. Sometimes I almost intentionally wake up to catch up on my TV viewing. Well currently, it appears, I wake up to eat!!!!

So last night, I had a pretty normal night….for me….slept at around 9pm, woke up at around 11pm, had a ”little” snack, slept and woke up at around 1am, had another little snack….I mean one surely feels peckish two hours after a little ‘’snack’’, went back to sleep, and by 3 am was up and making my breakfast!! After shoveling the filled to the top bowl of porridge down my gullet, I had my best sleep until 5am, and proceeded to get ready for work.

Now, if one were to remove the last part of the sentence, one would swear this was describing the night of a newborn!!!

Although you might think that this is all going to lead to the fact that I had ultimately given up the filthy habit of smoking during COVID, and hence have become one with newborn eating habits in the evening….of course not, where there is demand…..there is supply……and there I was, a first time dabbler on ‘the black market” in order to get my next box of cigarettes!! So the answer to your question, is nope still a smoker……AND an every two hour at night snacker.

So I thought…try sleep later….uh uh, no improvement…..try eat later…..still not…..eat later and more…..nope, still doing the midnight fairy thing. I do not wake up and eat because I am hungry. I wake up and eat because it is another filthy habit I have adopted, and my demented and deranged brain insists, as it always has, with sticking to a routine!! Unfortunately, whether it is a beneficial or destructive routine is never the issue with me. AS LONG AS I STICK TO THE ROUTINE!!

Now recently we have been exposed to the hype of the miraculous CBD products. When I first heard about them, I was horrified. These people are advertising weed…dagga….grass…hash….. cannabis….marijuana?? I was shocked to say the least!! I mean, sure, I had recently dabbled in the dark underworld of the black market, but this was a whole new level!!

Once it was REPEATEDLY explained to me that CBD was just an extract of cannabis, and would perform miracles of ANY and EVERY nature, I still was very suspicious of this. Everyone and their granny had used it for some or other issue, and the results were ‘’amazing’’. It started reminding me of the adverts we sometimes see on our side of the world, which go something like this:-

CONTACT DR GOODFELLOW TO CURE ANY OF THE FOLLOWING:-

Allergies;

Heart disease;

Infertility;

Depression;

Lethargy;

Diabetes;

High blood pressure;

High cholesterol;

Anxiety;

Eczema;

Weight loss/gain;

Premature ejaculation; and

Penis Enlargement.

……..AMONG OTHER THINGS (huh…what is left??)

So although I was convinced that the Baby Boomers/Generation Jonesés/Generation X’s and Xennials were being unashamedly exploited by the legalization of weed, out of sheer desperation, I became a statistic in the CBD oil user pool a few weeks ago.

Has it helped? Not even an iota!!!!!

I might have mentioned a couple (or sixty) times in my past blogs, that I am intolerant. In addition, I am often perceived to be (even by myself at times….actually regularly), insensitive. I also seem to keep feeling the need to explain my intolerance every few hundred times a blog! I think that the reason I do this is because I prefer to see my intolerance as ”sensible” or ”practical”. I say this, because I have been known to be exceptionally tolerant when the need is called for. 

The insensitivity is not as easy to explain away, as I am actually super sensitive, but manage to completely block myself off to protect myself…..from myself, in that I am totally aware of what I can handle emotionally.

So, by way of an example, if someone was to give me a pitiful story about something that I know will hurt me too much, I immediately dive (ever so gracefully) into an imaginary ocean, where I am unable to hear or see anything further, other than the sights and sounds of the beautiful and peaceful ocean. Of course there are times, where the graceful dive is reduced to a belly flop, or I have been caught off guard and have heard or seen something, before I  have had the time to do my graceful dive, which then stings and aches immeasurably…..for a long time.

At the risk of being repetitive to my regular readers, I think the best way to explain this away, is to say that I am selfish and sensible with my tolerance and compassion. Now, truth be told, I was not always like that. No, in my youth, I was the polar opposite! I also used to be the naive and gullible overly sensitive person, willing to do for everyone, feel for everyone and just basically carrying the worries of everyone on my shoulders. But slowly, slowly, I got burnt, abused and taken advantage of. Not in that ”boo hoo, I need therapy to deal with my emotionally abused youth” kind of way. Nope, more in a ”lesson learnt…fool me once” kind of way. So, as with everyone, life happens, we live and we learn, and some of us just learn the lesson a little too well……that would be me. 

Now, in one of my inner circles, one of the members is a logical, calm, rational and TOLERANT somebody. I, on the other hand, am NOT!! I am so not calm, and can become totally irrational at certain times. The third member in this scenario is the member seeking a logical, calm, rational and tolerant somebody. So in other words, not me! For the last lots of years, I have been viewed as the insensitive and intolerant villain in the picture. Not by the rational somebody, as this somebody remains non-judgmental about everything and everyone….I am exceedingly envious of this somebody!!! No, the judgement comes from me, myself and I…..and I am almost certain by the third member and anyone who has been prepared to listen to their one side of the story!

Whenever a situation arose that caused me to erupt into a flaming volcano, hot materials being thrown out of my mouth, while huge amounts of expletives go hurtling across the room at anyone in earshot distance, the logical and rational member would try and calm me down…..umm…well…logically and rationally. And while this never really succeeded, it did succeed in making me feel like a crazy and unstable super sinner. All the while of course, member number 3 plodded along…..blissfully unaware of what I had just allowed them to put myself through. Crazy right? One would think I would only allow myself to have made that mistake once in a lifetime, and then adopted the rational member’s attitude going forward. But nope….apparently not!!

So over the years, I managed to beat myself up REPEATEDLY about how I allowed myself to be affected by this person’s behavior. And, although I never thought I was wrong (rarely do b.t.w), I did feel bad about myself for having these negative emotions, at times questioning whether I was just a cold hearted and intolerant cow.

So a situation arose recently where I had an eruption, although, pat on my back, as it was a fairly self-controlled eruption….especially under the circumstances. This could be due to a number of factors…..shock…horror…COVID growth…acceptance that some things will never change….who knows. I did, for a millisecond think that perhaps I was wrong in being highly irritated and lacking even an ounce of compassion, and the way forward would be to try and be more tolerant and compassionate towards this third member. But then, as quickly as that thought entered my mind, it was replaced by another thought. I wondered….. at what point does tolerance become the breeding ground for enabling?

For me, the enabler is as guilty as the enabled. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am as guilty as the next person for enabling certain people in my past (and present). I am well aware of it, but it still does not make it right. Unfortunately, the enabled manages to emotionally manipulate the enabler into enabling them, and this is a very difficult relationship for the enabler to sever. 

In my mind, there are two reasons someone enables another.

There are those…..me….I am those….who are well aware that they are enabling the enabled, are aware of the long term damage and never ending cycle that they are creating, and fantasise about whacking them with a ten foot metal pole….repeatedly!! These are the people that choose to enable the enabled, because they would rather do that, than deal with the conflict, temper tantrums and drama, something the enabled manage to pull off so very well when things do not go their way.

Then there are the enablers who are totally unaware of the role they are playing in their enabled’s life. I assume this is because they are blessed with an abundance of tolerance, compassion (and naivety), and they just assume that they are helping the person, or giving them an opportunity to better themselves. Of course, there would be times where someone does manage to be part of a life changing moment for a person by showing compassion, and tolerance. However, if this has happened, the person he has managed to assist was truly needing a ‘’leg up’’ and not a lifetime subscription to emotional and financial support, aka ‘’the enabled’’.

Now, one can rightly argue that, even if one in two people that you have tolerance and compassion for, will land up having their lives changed for the better, would it not make sense to just trust the process at the risk of becoming an enabler the other half of the time? Probably yes, but I cannot take that risk, as I am way too selfish to feel like I have been taken advantage of! And think about how many enabled people you would collect in your lifetime?? Nope, I will leave it to the rest of the tolerant and compassionate people out there to attend to.

But, despite my self-confessed selfishness, I also think that, as much as the uber tolerant and compassionate person means well, they can in fact become part of the problem, as they are then an enabler. Becoming an enabler is almost like owning timesharing. It is yours for life, as no one else wants to take it from you (even for free), it drains you emotionally and/or financially and adds absolutely nothing positive to your life.

So in this ‘inner circle’ I speak of, I have decided that actually….again…I am right. The one third logical, calm, rational and TOLERANT somebody, has unintentionally become the second third’s enabler, and I have actually behaved accordingly!! Just nod and smile people…..nod and smile!

So like me, I assume most of the World is still waiting in anticipation for things to get back to ”normal” again. Early last year, the entire world came to a standstill for a millisecond, and then we started this adventure into the unknown, where we assumed that a couple of months (which seemed like an eternity at the time) of pausing our lives, would result in the world returning to ”normal” again. Then months later, we were still waiting, and, over a year later we are still waiting.   

This is now the third instance of paranoia that I am putting myself through since COVID became a thing! I naively assumed that by being careful and keeping my children chained to the kitchen stove, we were one of the fortunate ones that had got through the first wave without being affected (or rather, INFECTED). The second wave then hit us, and that time it was not so easy to keep them chained up, or myself for that matter, as I had no choice, but to continue with living as I did before………only with a mask and armed with double barrelled sanitizers wherever I went. But again, I counted our blessings that we had not contracted COVID. I was also so grateful that no one very close to me had been affected by it.

I have been particularly concerned about my one brother, who can ill afford to be affected by COVID. He has been plagued by emphysema for a few years now. It is like dealing with a delinquent, who refuses to listen to my pleas to stay safe, as he just wants to continue being out and about, spreading his bloody kindness everywhere, and saving the entire bloody world…..flipping putz. He then has the audacity to tell me he is doing what makes him happy, and I must not worry about him. Well I AM NOT HAPPY!!! Him staying safe….that is what will make me happy!!!

Now again, we are in our third wave, and everyone around me either has it, or knows someone who has it, and it is even MORE of a challenge to stay safe, as we really have had no choice, but to continue with our daily lives. Now though, we are almost getting used to living with this monster, and I dare say are at risk of becoming ”immune” to it. NOT IMMUNE TO THE DISEASE DAMMIT….TO THE RISKS!!

I have reached that point now, that we are all sitting ducks, and we are all going to get it eventually. This is in total contrast to how I felt initially. Initially, I was THAT person, the one who was quite happy to spend my days in isolation until such time as this ridiculous thing had passed. Being a closet recluse, the idea seemed do-able enough…….actually most appealing! My life would not have changed too dramatically anyway. I would then just have had an excuse for never leaving my shell. In fact, for the initial lockdown, I did have an excuse for never leaving my shell….or even my house. That was until such time as some of my friends became increasingly judgmental and annoyed with me. This in turn led to me feeling that they might have been justified, and that I might have been leaning on COVID a little too much, and for some reason, I felt pressured to venture out….safely of course. I had to endure the ridiculing and their eyerolling as I tried to stay at a distance, sanitized every 1.5 minutes and insisted on keeping my mask on…..did I mention these were my ”friends”??  

Until the ”just ending first wave” and ”just starting third wave”, annual check ups to the dentist just did not happen……not even an option in my mind. Hair was unattended, and the shaver came out for Salt and Pepper. They had not let me near them with that shaver for years (who can blame them). But at that point they did not even care, as they were not sure anyone would ever see them in the flesh again anyway. Pepper was ready to move in with the neighbour (who is a really toxic and impossible woman….well he has lived with me for 24 years I suppose), or anyone who would take him, and my younger child, Salt was ready to be admitted into what is probably becoming a very trendy institution for the exceedingly depressed…..now there’s an opportunity for some rich entrepreneur to make money out of COVID!!  Of course, I refused his request, as it was not safe!! 

So yesterday morning I was driving to work, and I was looking around at how ”normal” mask wearing has become. Imagine if someone had said two years ago that this would be the picture we would be faced with on a daily basis in our future? I know I certainly would NEVER have believed this. This led me to thinking about whether I would EVER feel comfortable not wearing a mask, and not sanitizing every 1.5minutes again!! This in turn led me to wondering, or more specifically concluding, that this IS THE NEW NORMAL.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that the old normal is now over. Sure, it might get safer and less scary in time, as it becomes the norm, and sure, there will be (already are) the people (Pepper…..hmmmmph), that have continued on with their lives as before. But for the most part….this is it. No more old normal for the world. This is not going away, and if it does, a cousin twice removed from COVID is waiting in the wings to replace it. 

I am starting to think that we will never again have the opportunity to sing along to Neil Diamond’s Sweet Caroline ……ever again!! One simply cannot sing about ”hands touching hands”, and ”people reaching out, touching me touching you”, without performing the actions as well!! 

I do so feel for the younger generation though….. the kids that are supposed to be mingling and honing their socializing skills, and those supposed to be meeting their future partners. Although for the most part the younger generation have been totally irresponsible from the get go, and have not been hugely careful about this whole thing anyway. Largely to blame was the information supplied that children ‘’cannot get COVID”, shortly followed by ‘’children do not get it severely’’. But what is the future going to hold for this new generation? I suppose they will navigate it amongst themselves, and start living their ”normal”.

Of course the even younger kids will not know any other normal anyway, and probably have hours of amusement and disbelief about what our normal was!! It is probable that there are going to be, as there have been all along, two schools of thought. One being the school that I attend, which is stay aware, stay away and STAY SAFE!!!! But as mentioned, for me that is so simple, as I am that person anyway………you know….….all recluse like and in a constant routine rut. Then there is the other school of thought (also known as ”The Trump and/or Pepper’’ school of thought), which is f*** it, don’t believe this s***t, it is all a huge conspiracy, and it is nothing more than the common flu, so I’m just gonna go ahead and live my life as always. 

So, my argument (vaccination or no vaccination), is that the people trying to stay cautious and safe are not really going to remain safer, as there are a whole lot of other people that do not have that attitude. So, the virus will just linger indefinitely. And as I said previously, if by some ‘’herd immunity’’ or such like, the virus disappears into the abyss, there, hot on its hills, will be its cousin twice removed to take us back to square one. 

From this, the question surely arises as to why then am I bothering to try and remain safe? Well, for the moment, I feel perhaps my cynical reasoning is totally incorrect, and hopefully this is NOT OUR NEW NORMAL!

Now because I am unfiltered, intolerant, grumpy and ……um….well….HONEST, people in the know are totally aware of the fact that I am the go to person to ask a question to which they are requiring an honest answer. I mean…what other answer would suffice?? Well, apparently, to many, the answer that they wanted to hear! Now me….. nope…. ask, and ye shall receive! It really is the only way I know. I have been told many times over the years by some, that this (personality defect) is what  they love about me. But of course, the other 99,9% of the people that know me are not really asking for the truth, and either tend to have a horrified look on their faces when I answer their question, or have been in the presence of me answering someone else’s question. So, for those that know me good and proper, either ask for my truth, or, if it is bliss you are after…. choose to ask someone nicer.

Literally….if I get asked a question to which I am aware my answer might be offensive, I will always ask, ‘’do you want the honest answer?” If they say no, I ask them to ask someone else. That is the extent of my filter…….which actually I find very honourable, don’t you?? Well, think about it…….if you want the truth, brace yourself, if you want some sugar coated lame lie…….move along!! Say what you want, personally I think by giving the person the option, I behave honourably!!

So, because I am that person, I absolutely love, appreciate and trust people that grant me the same courtesy to any questions that I might have. I have had most of my friends in my life for over fifteen years (hard to believe, I know), and have learnt who will be honest with me, and who will lie through their teeth just to make me feel better. There is, in addition, ‘’my person’’, who will lie through her teeth, but everything else on her face tells the truth. So sometimes I do run things by her, but she also thinks I am a bit batsh**t crazy, so I try not to ask anything controversial or sensitive, as she quietly goes into Neurogenic shock, which is unpleasant to witness!! She is also the one that has quite happily managed to channel her batsh**t crazy comments and opinions through me over the years.

I have no problem with being her Lucifer mouthpiece, as we kind of know each other so well, and are very similar in our way of thinking. However that similarity comes to an abrupt end when it comes to sensitivity and ,to a certain extent, tolerance. So she remains the ultimate lady, and I take her cues by verbalizing what she wishes she could have, when she has thrown me the bait. This is an unspoken, and most certainly UNMENTIONED agreement between us, which has worked well over the years. Not even sure if it is deliberate, but I do know we both feel better having aired our grievances (even if hers are aired through me).

So an example of my desire for the truth relates to a decision I had make with relation to my one cub, Salt, recently. I discussed the circumstances and my decision I had come to with my tribe of friends, as one does….well as I do, since I don’t have their dad to discuss it with, and they all backed my decision 1000%. Then a while later, the circumstances called for me to reassess my decision. The initial reason for me deciding not to do something had not changed. Just a little time had passed and a couple of related things occurred. But the crux of the argument in favour of my original decision remained unchanged. I reluctantly changed my mind, as I felt it was the only option. Next time I saw my tribe, they asked for updates on the issue at hand, and I updated them (quite sheepishly, as I assumed they would totally disagree with my change of heart), and, again, they backed me 1000%. Now, I realize it sounds feasible, as if the circumstances changed, their opinion could have changed. But that is not what happened in this particular situation. That 1000% original consensus, still applied even though my decision had changed. So what this tells me, is that my friends will back me 1000% no matter what. Sounds like any person’s idea of dream friends. Yes, indeed, but what I wanted was their honest truth!!

Then, on the opposite end of the scale, there is the only person in my world who is even more ruthless and honest than me. She goes further by insulting people (often their appearances), just by trying to be helpful. She literally has no clue what she is doing, and truly means well….and I LOVE her for it. So refreshing!! The only thing that would be even better, was if she spent more time with my regular tribe, who know her, but hardly see her. You see, if they were around her more often, she would make me look like a paragon of virtue!! But to be honest, she pretty much dislikes everyone and everything……in the world….. and will not be wasting any of her time on nitter natter or chit chat!!

I have mentioned her previously, as she was my walking partner for many years, and I would ask her any question that I ever had, even if it was not relevant any longer. Sometimes, I just needed to know if I had made the right decision back in 1923.

So, recently I was told that I ‘’looked tired’’. This is something I have regularly been told over the years. There are a multitude of reasons for this. Firstly….uuuum….I AM mostly tired. Never mastered the art of a decent night’s sleep, and am just a busy puppy generally. To add to the problem, I am a sinus suffererer, so black rings are kind of standard issue with sinus sufferers. Now, being told that you are ’’tired’’ is neither a compliment, nor the start of a compassionate conversation. No, it is merely a ‘’filtered’’ way of being told that you are an old haggardy and raggardy someone with puffy black ringed eyes. Being told that after 50, is a ‘’filtered’’ way of being asked, ‘’at what point will you accept that botox and fillers need to be included in your monthly budget??”

So of course, getting ready for work the next morning, I decided I was going to try harder, and give the people a better version of what I had thus far put forward (relax…only aesthetically…..no way I was going to become a better person!!!!!).  I spent about 10 minutes on my old haggardy and raggardy face, which is another person’s daily regime amounts to at least an hour.

Ten minutes later, I plucked up the courage to look at myself in the mirror (you know…as I would look to others), thought to myself okay, not great, but better, and  off I went on my merry way to work. As I left, I passed my more honest than me friend, taking her morning walk. After we finished with the pleasantries (about five seconds), she pointed at my face and asked ‘’What is going on here? Why don’t you put some lipstick on at least?’’ Granted, I did not have lipstick on, but the rest of the palette was a bloody ten minute masterpiece!!

So knowing I would get the truth, I asked whether she was saying I did not look good, and she unapologetically replied ‘’yes’’.

Dammit, where was that lying, untruthful tribe when I needed them??