You call it “age”, I call it “wisdom”. As we get wiser (not older…humor my incessant fear of ageing ),  we learn not to sweat the small stuff …..well, with time, we realize we should sweat the small stuff less. We learn that when life looks bleak, things will undoubtedly improve…..before they get bleak again. We learn that life is filled with lessons…….well, really tough and unpleasant ones….but lessons nevertheless. Most importantly, we learn (well, I learnt) the fact that karma truly exists is undeniable!!

Having said that, bear in mind that I am quite the paradox! I have spent large stages of my life convincing myself that I believe in destiny. This is very calming for me, as it involves no reasoning or deliberating on my part. ”What will be, will be.” So simple and undemanding!

So perhaps my beliefs (as unwavering as I like to believe they are), are dependent on where I am at a certain point in my life at any given time? A tad fickle I might add…..something which I pride myself on NOT BEING!!!!

If one looks up ”karma” in a thesaurus, one finds the following substitute words, “chance”, “fate”, “destiny”, “kismet” etc. I, however, prefer to use my own substitute word……P-A-Y-B-A-C-K!!

My first conscious encounter with the said payback, was when I was around 15 years old. One of my best friends, a neighbor, and I were having a “moment”‘. It could not have been a very serious ‘moment’, as I have no idea what it was about, and we are nearly 40 years later still best buds, but at the time, it was clearly a moment I found upsetting. This friend used to catch the same bus as me to school every morning. One morning before leaving home, I had thoughts of him missing the bus. That will teach him, I thought to myself. Not my proudest moment, granted, but these displeasing thoughts entered my mind uninvited, without even being summonsed. Well guess who missed the bus? Yes, ‘twas me that in fact missed that bus!!

Being the ripe old age of 15 or so, and also being thoroughly peeved, that was the day it became clear to me that we need to be very careful about what we wish for!! In fact, we even need to be guarded about our thoughts!! I suppose if that wasn’t life lesson enough for me, I deserved whatever followed.

Thereafter, and with my newly expanded “wisdom”, I slowly but surely became (and still am) certifiable about this whole theory of karma versus destiny. I am also so conflicted when less than fabulous thoughts pop into my “wisdomed” mind.

I wonder whether these words will come back to bite me in my butt? They will, I know they will. They do every time!! I wonder if I can “unsay” them? I would probably have to “unthink” them as well. If I “unsay” them, it will still be a problem, as I thought them. Well, if I “unthink” them….can I “unthink” something? Oh,damn, I have just spent the last 10 minutes analyzing how to “unsay” and “unthink” what I thought and/or said, which, according to the laws of attraction (a new theory I ‘wisdomed” up to at a later stage), I am even deeper in the poo now, then when before I had dissected the thought….I have just given this dreaded thought WAAAAY too much airtime!!

Yes….. The Laws of Attraction. A book given to me by a friend…… not the one that I wished would miss the bus incidentally, nope, he was never privy to my evil and monstrous thoughts!! This friend gave me the Rhonda Byrne’s book on the laws of attraction. Wow…..totally up my alley!! Information communicated in a short and succinct manner. Perfect for my lack of concentration limitations! It was given to me when I was in a fairly dark place (darker than usual), and I craved some sort of assistance in getting out of the place of darkness. Oh no….what was the Universe doing to me?? Not another theory for me to obsess and be fearful about. But I realized that this too was something we had to understand for spiritual growth.Yes….I was in the process of becoming a theoretician, a scholar of spiritual growth!!!!

So I read the book (a statement I have not been able to utter many times in my life!!) Not only did I read the book, but I started practising the behavior suggested in this masterpiece. And you know what?? It worked!! It changed everything. It improved so much in my life. I even became pleasant!! Yes…..for 3 months or so……. or until I could no longer keep this strange and unknown behavior up. 

So, if I was such a theoretician, such a scholar of spiritual growth, what in the tarnation of otherworldliness prevented me from practicing only positive energy as opposed to that negative wretched energy…..I could so have had everything I ever dreamed of…..and then some!!!!

However, it literally would have taken me another lifetime to train myself to think and act in the manner she recommended. It was so tiring people! Like running a marathon, but a mental marathon! I just eventually reasoned that you are either lucky enough to be born with that nature, or you are like me…..poor sod!!  

Another question I have battled with, is, if I am given an option to do something, and I agree to do it, not because I want to, but because I reasoned that I had to in order to prevent payback visiting at a later stage, does that mean I have avoided payback? Is payback only avoided when you do something with totally pure and good intentions, totally from the heart? If so, there is not much I can do to avoid anything. This is me, this is my nature, this is the way I think!! How do I change my nature? Can I change my nature? Can I change the way I think? If not, am I now destined to a lifetime of flying kismet and negative grenades coming my way??

I would so love to meet the person that can answer all these questions. Is there a person that can answer all these questions? Are we expected to find the answers ourselves? Do we need to go through the experiences to complete the conundrum? Is there even a conundrum……..I am exhausted….perhaps I should stick to the belief in unavoidable destiny ………it is so much less tiring!!

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