A couple of posts ago, I wanted to discuss how COVID resulted in my new found love for my neighbors. However, I got distracted, a regular problem you will come to accept about me, and never got to the point. So here I go again. Sit back, relax, and get ready for the river that is about to flow from my words about this new found love.
I have been living in my complex for nearly 15 years. Now, I know most of my Blogs often make reference to 15 years, almost as if nothing happened prior to the last 15 years, almost as if 15 years ago was when my life began. On the contrary, 15 years ago is when my life ended, metaphorically speaking of course.
Now, please do not interpret this as cry for help, sympathy, comfort, or any of those other dreaded emotions people often assume they need to impart on someone to help ease their pain. No, this is merely the reality of a situation one finds oneself in, when the rug is pulled out from under one’s feet in a fraction of a second!
Prior to the rug pulling incident 15 years ago, I had the whole future of my family all planned. Obviously, being the personality type A++++, that is what we do. We think (obsess), ponder (obsess), strategize (obsess) and naturally COME UP WITH A PLAN!!
So this plan was packed neatly in a little time capsule, to be opened at some point in the future, when it was time to delight in the fact that everything went according to plan!! Perhaps there might even have been an award ceremony, an audience of friends and family, a stage, where I could have walked onto with my family by my side, I could have accepted this prestigious award for ‘’Totally Being On Point About Her Family’s Future’’? There might have been a speech, a thank you to all those who helped this become a reality, perhaps a band….anyway….let’s move on shall we?
So, as you might have realized, things most certainly did not go according to plan. Nope….future rrrrrrripped out from right under me!! Suddenly, I literally found myself having a totally blank slate every time I thought about my amended family’s future. Try as I might, for the life of me, all I could see was a blank slate. The past….busy…. very busy slate……but the future……B-L-A-N-K!! It might not seem like it, but that was frightening, terrifying in fact.
So there I was, widowed at 39, two children, aged 5 and 8, a time capsule ripped to threads, and memories of the past. The future….no cooking clue!! For a while, post rug pulling, everything that happened almost had no right to happen. It felt like things could not happen if my husband wasn’t present to witness it!! This man, who had been a part of more than half my life, who together with him, so many memories were created, had to be there for any new memories being created. But he wasn’t. What?? Impossible!!
So what organically proceeded to unfold, was that this blank slate was slowly being filled with new memories. My life had become the life others often live, which is living day to day, and no planning…no strategizing…no pondering….just slowly collecting your wits about you, to reach that point where, yes, obviously (it’s me after all), you start planning… strategizing… pondering and of course obsessing again!
This was a long process, which did not come without hiccups, hurdles and obstacles. However, as our new memories were made, and our new future began to unfold, it suddenly created a new chapter.
I do not say this with any kind of warmth or fuzziness. I am not a chapter kind of a gal. Me, I like things to stay the same, remain consistent, be everlasting, eternal, uninterrupted….sure you are getting my drift here??
Another complaint I have about this new slate, is that there are so many memories (pre rug pulling), that belong to another chapter. It is almost like the previous chapter never happened. That for me is totally unacceptable. It is almost like the rug pulling has wiped the pre rug pulling slate clean. Well, not entirely, but it seems like these two slates cannot coexist. Well not in my strange little demented world anyway.
So, to get back to the point, 15 years being my annoyingly repetitive starting point, might be as a result of the fact that that is where my memories begin, well for the most part anyway.
Actually…..wait a minute….that was not the point! The point was that I have a new found love for my neighbors dammit!! Well ‘’had this love’’ when I first wanted to write about it…..kind of have still….some…not all…. we will get to that next time…maybe….perhaps…..whatever!