So, on Wednesday, the 25 November 2020, will be the 15th Anniversary of my husband passing away. Feels like yesterday!!, Especially since, for at least the first 5 years I was numb, and just happy to put one foot in front of the other. The next 5 years was actually processing the reality of the loss, and the last 5 years have been the angry years!
As most know, there are typically 5 stages of grief…..denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. This generally leads one to assume that, once you are done with one stage, you are in fact done with that stage. Well, no…..not so much.
I am here to tell those of you who need to know how long it will take before you leave the pit you find yourself in , well, you don’t. The good news though, is that you find yourself spending more time out of the pit than in it. So familiarize yourself with the pit, decorate it, try make it as warm and cozy as possible, and when you revisit it over the years, it becomes a little less dark and dingy. The take away, is that you eventually learn to know that you will in fact leave the pit again.
I still revisit the 5 stages over, and over, and over, and over again! However, one stage has been at the forefront of my emotions all along. Do I need to state the obvious? Of course it has to be anger. My reputation would be blown to pieces if I missed that opportunity!!
For the last 15 years, my husband has been responsible for EVERYTHING. I have argued with him (out loud…very loud) more times in the last 15 years, than for the entire 30 something years we were together. In fact the word ‘’argue,’’ is really an understatement! EVERYTHING is his fault!! If life gives us lemonade, he is our ‘’angel watching over us’’. But if life gives us lemons, or if I need to make important decisions regarding the well being of my family, he gets it in the ear full from me let me tell you!!
In order for you to understand where I am coming from, and so you do not see me as some demented fruitcake, I think it is important for you to understand just a smidge of who my husband was.
My husband was wise, sharp as a pin, reflective, curious ,obsessive…..to mention just a smidge. He was also anxious and grumpy like me, but that is why we understood each other! Any decision made by him was the correct decision. This is because he was always right….well let me make it sound a little less nonsensical….I always thought he was almost always right!
He stressed about EVERYTHING. He stressed about not being stressed. This was all magnified when children came into the picture, as that is when the real stress actually begins! He was so intense and anxious, that I seemed like the Earth Child. I was the one always trying to calm him down, to bring peace and harmony to his ever overworking thoughts. Who would have thought????
My children were very young when we lost him. As a mother and primary caregiver to young children, one just had to ensure the children were loved, provided for and for the most part, still in one piece at the end of the day. Sure it was tough to do solo, sure there were moments of emotional upheaval by one or all of us, but little kids, little decisions.
The bigger the boys got, the bigger the decisions got. It was no longer about extending bed time or whether they could go to a friend on a school day. Nope, every decision that needed to be made was analyzed, scrutinized and investigated with the stealth like prowess of a parent that couldn’t get a second opinion from the only person that would have mattered…my husband! Not only because he was their dad, or because he had first-hand experience about growing up as a boy, but more importantly, because he was so wise, and most certainly have had ALL the correct answers……perhaps.
However, again, I digress. I am not writing about my methods of child rearing, what in fact I am trying to get off my chest, is my anger and rage that has riddled my body for the past too many years.
So along comes my lot in life, and I found myself moving to tween boys, then came pre teen boys, teenage boys and where we are now……young men. All of these have stages of serious crossroads, which of course, as a parent, are our total duty to feel totally responsible for every miniscule step taken by our kids towards those crossroads. Okay, accepted, I am being a bit melodramatic…..but pretty much felt and still feels like that.
I am, but totally convinced that my husband is constantly hovering above us on a fluffy cloud, legs up, and realizing that all those things that he stressed about were actually totally not worth it. I am also totally convinced that he has looked down, rubbed his head in disbelief, and wondered why I am so stressed about all those little things THAT HE USED TO STRESS ABOUT. He would totally tell me to relax. Relax about the questions and scenarios that keep me up at night. Relax about the rules and regulations I impose on my children. Relax about the everyday slip ups that all kids make. Relax about the behavior and experiences that all boys go through when they grow up. He would tell me to stop worrying about being phoned in the middle of the night to attend an unexpected bail application, which would in turn lead to attending support groups and, obviously the resultant medical bills from injuries acquired as a result of bad behavior because of addiction issues……. You know…..the stuff every normal parent stresses about? Not???? Seriously??? Okay, well who says you are the normal one??
Not sure if you are starting to get the picture of where my unilateral screaming match with my husband lands up??
Sentences generally include, ‘’How could you…’’ , ‘’….your fault’’, ‘’….selfish’’,……’’…..all very well…’’, and so on. He doesn’t answer back, but believe you me, it’s probably for the best!!
So here I live, angry, resentful, bitter and twisted. Call me when you want to chat or meet up for coffee….I am AWESOME company!